Working Backwards

Hayden 1 day old.

Spoiler alert: Hayden is here!!!  But... I really want to revisit this project.  There are so many reasons that I stepped away from this blog: I had a really hard time putting my emotions into words, and was struggling to process.  BUT moreover than that, I couldn't find the time, because boi, girl, or otherwise, PREGNANT PEOPLE NEED NAPS!

But I have more time now, and although my point of reference has kind of changed a bit, I still feel like I have important things to add to the conversation about being trans and carrying a child.  Obviously, I cannot speak for every other trans person who has taken on this life changing task, but it feels unfair, to myself, to not share

some of my favorite truths that I picked up along the way.

Not to jump the gun, and I want to go more into the meat and potatoes of

my feelings and experiences... But I feel amazing about this journey.  Although it wasn't our vision of the way we would get our baby, it is the way we did, and because of that, we wouldn't change it.

 

Just two stinkers.  Hangin' out

Our child is amazing.  She is beautiful beyond what we could have imagined, and I don't mean magazine attractive.  I mean, I look at her and see love, and happiness, and hope.  I see a world that is better with her in it... And I see her Mom in her (we are quickly learning how little relevance genetics have in our feelings about our baby).  They already have a special

bond that is beyond measure.  Amy is Hayden's Mom...  and it is pretty clear that she is going to be a Momma's girl.  And my heart skips a beat thinking about that.

I just sit and look at her...  And I think this is the most amazing thing I have ever done (and I have always believed myself to have led a pretty exciting life.)  It was one of the hardest, most humbling experiences I have ever had...  And I am not the same as I was before.  We took risks, and we made sacrifices, and we were pushed to our limits.  We learned about patience, and perseverance in ways that can only be taught through experiences that are made to test the very fiber of who you we were as people.  I am not saying we didn't come away with scars, because we certainly did, but when all is said and done, those scars are a small price to pay for our eventual reward.

Throughout this journey I feared that being pregnant would cause me to lose parts of who I was...  But in the end, I lost nothing.  I gained pieces of myself that I never knew I had...  I can't wait to share that with you.  So now we start at the end.... and work our way back.