Coming Out as Pregnant... Or Trans... Or Both....

Telling people you are pregnant is really exciting... Especially the people who didn't see it coming!  But every time we tell someone, there is a bit of a fear of the reaction....  Not all of these responses have happened directly to us, BUT, just because they haven't happened, doesn't mean we don't have a fear that they will....

So lets discuss...

1.  Who is the Mom?, Who's having the baby? and Who's knocked up?
More often than not people are asking who is pregnant...  which is not what all of these questions represent to us as queer parents. 

Who is the Mom? can be answered with: Amy is the Mom.  She has chosen Mommy, Mama, Momma to be her parental moniker... I have chosen something else, which I will discuss is a later blog entry:  Becoming Baba. 

Who's having the baby?  This doesn't mean what it seems either.  Because AMY AND I are having a baby.  We have been on the same page about this since day 1, we have both been at every appointment, we make joint decisions, etc.  So the answer to this is WE are having the baby.

Who's knocked up?  I just wanted to add this one because I find this phrase so offensive...  No one should be using the phrase knocked up.  A quick search of etymology reveals that this term comes from brothels in the 16th century, which were called "Knocking Houses".  Yuck.... Not the same as my experience friends... not the same.  Want more info? Click here.

But the fundamental issue with all of these questions:  Who is pregnant? is a deep and emotional one.

Well... if you must know...  I am carrying the baby.  But I am okay with saying WE are pregnant.  Amy has done just as much work as I have.  When I am sick, she is taking over my household responsibilities... When I am tired, she is there to make sure I am comfortable... When I need a Snickers Bar and a Gatorade, she will happily retrieve them.  So while I may be the "acting baby house" for 9 months, that in no way makes me more of a parent.  If anything, Amy has taken on way more responsibility than I have.  I mean, puking certainly isn't comfortable, but I would rather puke for 15 minutes than do all the laundry, all the house work, make the bed, do the dishes, etc...  And I get to take more naps than usual...  So I definitely don't feel like I should be given any more medals than my wife, for what I am doing.

Of course people are going to be curious about this.... and maybe I am more guarded about it because I don't want there to be any doubt that Amy is as much of this kiddos parents as I am.  We live in a shitty time (although getting quickly less shitty) and all these questions about being biological related on top of living in a state (and working for an organization) that doesn't appropriately recognize our family structure makes it really hard to want to be forthcoming about who the biological parent is.  This makes it very hard to swallow when this is one of the first questions we are asked.  We are open to answering this... with the right timing, and the right audience.  But, I don't feel the need to discuss who's "knocked up" with the person that I sat in front of in biology class, who cheated off my tests and chewed tobacco during lectures.

2.  How did THAT happen?

Okay... I get it.  You have questions...  Well I do to.  Remember: the way we make our babies is very different from the majority of the population BUT I have just as many questions of my friends who make their babies in the privacy of their home.  I think making babies by having sex is weird.  That is weird to me... BECAUSE that is not my life experience.  You may think making a baby in a Doctor's office, or with a needless syringe after visiting the sperm bank is weird... BECAUSE that is not YOUR life experience. 

Lets just face it... making babies and growing them in our bodies is weird.  Of course it is natural... but so is people who can flip up their eye-lids. And there are people out there who don't think it weird, and I respect that totally!  I just think it is bizarre (and not bizarre gross, but bizarre fascinating!). 

The point being... lets celebrate first... and then I would be happy to talk to you (in whatever detail I am comfortable with) about our baby making experience.  My first question to a bio male/ bio female couple would never be: so, was this planned or an accident?  Was there foreplay?  That's inappropriate... And you asking me about any and all procedures involving our private parts is inappropriate as well.

3.  Who is the Dad?

YIKES!!!!!!  Simple mistake... you are asking (hopefully) about the donor.  If you took High School Biology, you should know, it takes vital ingredients to make a baby... and in our household, we only have one.  So OF COURSE we had to acquire said missing ingredient.  This is not always the most comfortable thing to talk about it either... because it means that one of us, will not be biologically related to our child... and, that kids, is a fact of life.  No way around it (for now...)  But we know this, and have dealt with it, and talked it through, and gotten to a place of mutual understanding.  But when the capital D(ad) word comes up... it stings a little. 

We will answer questions about the donor for close friends and family... but to the general public, just know that we picked a great person from an EBay like menu, and are happy with our choice... AND YES, they have been screened for diseases...

4.  Is this really a good time?

This is not one we have heard... but it is one that I fear.  It is never a good time to have a child...  I mean, if someone said: would you like something that cuts your income in half, keeps you up at night, could possibly turn out poorly if you do something wrong AND poops on itself?  The answer would be a resounding no.  There is never enough time or money to be a parent... until you are one.  Just because we got to (or "had to" as I see it) plan out when we would try to have kids, doesn't mean that anyone gets to judge our decision.

THE ULTIMATE NO-NO

I think there are many pregnant people that would agree... they don't want people touching them... especially in a growing belly that isn't always comfortable.  I generally don't like to be touched AT ALL and as my body grows and changes, I think this will become even more important.  If I want you to touch my baby gut, I assure you, you will be invited to do so.  Until you are invited, please stay out.

But this problem is deeper than that.  Amy is very feminine...  She likes skirts, dresses, makeup and (what I would call) unreasonable shoes.  So in the paradigm of procreating people, she is the pregnant one, right?   I mean... I wear the ties and the pants (not the metaphorical pants, the real ones) so it is fairly obvious that the more feminine of the two of us is carrying the child.   And we are aware that this will be the assumption, and once the baby is here, I am more than happy for people to think that Amy carried the little munchkin.  Its cute when people ask Amy how she is feeling, and she gets to say "I feel great, but Chris spends most mornings draped over the toilet."  What is not cute is when that assumption turns into an inappropriate belly pat on my non-physically pregnant wife's tummy.  Its like a bad episode of "Let's Make a Deal" where you have CLEARLY chosen poorly as to which curtain you should look behind.

So my overall advice, keep the belly pats to yourself, unless invited... and ESPECIALLY if you aren't sure which belly the baby is in.

MY INTENTIONS...

So like I have already covered... it was never my intention to be pregnant... and then it was not my intention for anyone to know that I was carrying the baby (which I would still like to maintain a shred of amniotic anonymity).  There is an awful lot of biological parent privilege... or "Mommy privilege" that I just don't want.  I don't need the comfiest chair, I don't need the first helping of food, and I certainly don't need anyone telling me to not pick up anything that weighs more than 15 pounds (I have done my research and our midwives have told us nothing over 50 pounds... which is not something I pick up on a routine basis anyways)... and I don't want people to assume that I am any more of the parent to this child than Amy....

Then I decided I did want to share my journey, with a select audience...  People who may be interested, people who are thinking about possibly being in our position someday, or people who maybe have an understanding of some of the issues that have arisen and will continue to arise throughout this process.  I have put together a very carefully crafted group on Facebook to share the journey with... (so that means if you see this in a status update, that you were specifically chosen... congrats!). 

So, I am finally ready to come out as a Pregnant Boi...  I am the one who is currently acting as the baby's housing unit.  And I am not a woman.  I don't want to be called Mama (I have yet to find the perfect way to address this with people, especially medical personnel.), and I don't want to be treated like I am breakable.  I just want to keep being me, and not be shoved into a whole other category of people that I don't necessarily feel I belong with.