My Inconvenient and Very Complicated Truth about Pronouns

"People with non-binary gender identities continually face situations in which someone feels “forced,” by the language norms they’ve internalized, to call us either he or she — even if they’re not sure which one is right, and sometimes even if they have been told that neither is right. These moments, which seem to be about grammar rules, highlight a gender rule that doesn’t work for us: the rule that everyone must be either a he or a she, a man or a woman; that there are no non-binary genders."  -- Davey Schlasko, "How Using 'They' As A Singular Pronoun Can Change the World"

Mr.(?) Rehs-Dupin reporting for childbirth...

Have I told you lately how much I hate being referred to with female pronouns?  No... I probably haven't. Because that conversation is awkward, and unwieldy...  and is not something that I feel like engaging in with the average Joe/Jane Schmo.  I don't even feel like having this conversation with many people close to me, because then it becomes a "big deal".  You say... " I want to use _______ pronoun." and then one of two things happen... they forget entirely (and it is heartbreaking) or they really try, but every time they say the incorrect pronoun, they make a big deal apologizing and that draws unnecessary attention to the issue when you are just trying to talk about what kind of salad dressing you want from the Giant Eagle....

So I haven't talked about it.  But she/her/hers/sister/mommy/girls/ladies feels like nails on a chalkboard to me.  When I hear people use female pronouns when talking about me, it is very out of body.... like "wait, who are you talking about?... Oh... me."  Take the following statement for example:  "Chris went to the store and when she got there she had to go get a cart for her groceries."  Simple sentence, right?!?  To me this sounds like "Chris went to the store and when SHE (wait who?, oh right, the she in this case is me, that's weird.) got there SHE (vomit... yep still me) had to get a cart for HER (oh god... another pronoun...  IT HURTS!) groceries." My brain has fully assimilated my identity as a transgueer guy, and so the pronouns she/her/hers are just stark reminders that other people don't recognize that identity.  I also know, this isn't done on purpose. We live in a he/she society, and so even if I am recognized as neither, there is no language to reinforce/denote that identity.  So it doesn't make me upset with those around me...  it makes me first upset with a world that has created this language, and second upset that sometimes I am not brave enough to ask for the use of pronouns that makes me more comfortable.

When you have a baby, you have the option to create a birth plan... which, being incredibly opinionated control freaks, was an absolutely necessity for us.  The first thing on the list asked for the use of male pronouns.  I like male pronouns...  because for the most part, I am still identified as biologically female, so the use of male pronoun subverts the idea that I am wholly female.  It was very empowering to be linguistically identified as standing outside of the gender binary... It was a huge validation of my trans identity, in a very female driven space.  I am sure it was not easy for all those we encountered, but it made a huge difference in my level of comfort and self-confidence.  Since then, I have been really thinking about the ways I want to carry this momentum forward and start finding avenues to have conversations about my pronoun preferences.

Unfortunately, you don't get a birth plan for every situation in your life...  (Can you imagine handing the cashier at Target a list of the ways you would like to be addressed when purchasing your weekly allotment of orange juice and yogurt?)  Honestly, because I have so many weird preferences about pronouns, I don't even know where to start to get the people I love on board with language that makes me feel comfortable and validated.  I prefer different things at different times...  and it often changes from one situation to the next in a very chameleon like manner.  This is when I truly realize that language is REALLY working against those of us that live outside the gender binary; and many may say that pronouns aren't that important, but in many ways these little words are one of the first barriers in living in a world where people don't feel the need to be divided into two neat gender categories.

Wanna know what I am talking about pronoun rules get ridiculous when you have a language system based around 2 exclusive genders?  Well here goes...




Their have been attempts at gender neutral pronouns....
 nonehave gotten traction....  When I don't get the option
 to opt out of choosing a salutation, I quickly become
 a Dr. or Rev. because those are just
as fitting as Ms./Mr./Mrs.

1.  In a perfect world people would use the gender neutral pronouns they/them/theirs...  but there is this stupid argument that states that this is non-grammatically correct (see brilliant article above for counter-argument ...)  I don't see this one happening anytime soon.

2.  I mostly prefer he/him/his when someone is speaking out loud....  especially when the people who are speaking know me personally.  (If they don't know me personally, I like for the pronouns he and she to be used interchangeably to demarcate that I identify as male and female, or neither, depending on how you look at it.)

3.  I prefer that no pronouns be used in writing... which is really tricky and takes a lot of language manipulation and creativity.  In writing, one has time to really think about pronoun usage and it isn't unreasonable to ask that no pronouns be used... (ask my boss, who recently wrote a performance review with the use of no pronouns.)

4.  Amy usually refers to me as her spouse, but I am not opposed to the use of the word "wife" in a situation where the person being addressed doesn't know me.  There isn't a better term to be used, and I prefer to not be called Amy's husband to strangers, because then she is assumed to be straight, and politically it is important to us that we are identified as two married biological females.  But if the term wife is used, I like it to be followed up with a male pronoun... ex.  "My wife is the best, he is always the first to volunteer to change poopy diapers."

5.  If I am in a professional situation, or when dealing with my parents, I will accept she/her/hers, because I am just not brave or comfortable enough to discuss gender politics in these arenas.

So what is a guy to do?  Just brace myself to be uncomfortable, I guess.  Some day (maybe far after we are all gone) gendered pronouns will be a thing of the past... Until then, I will just work on knowing that misuse of pronouns doesn't make me anymore or less who I am.