An Awkward Place for a Awkward Question

So, like any new family, there are a great many things that we need to have for a new baby that we didn't know that we needed.  My Mom recently asked us if the people in the baby section at Target knew us by name yet... and the answer is probably. 

Amy carries babe in the Moby

We are getting used to strangers oogling at our cute little one.  I mean... lets face it, babies are cute, and ours is certainly no exception.  It has been interesting, because I am not used to being approached in public.  Amy usually wears Hayden in the Moby wrap, and many people ask us what she has in there, and want to see the cherub like face of our newborn.  We are proud parents and are happy to oblige.  A considerable amount of people who want to see Hayden's little face are old... and it seems like their likelihood to just assume I am the father of the baby is directly proportional to their age.  Old people, people in the deep south, foreign people and children are the most likely to assume I am male.  I think this is because they have a more black and white view of gender, and therefore the shade of grey where I live is mistaken for the more masculine of the two (because I perform male, I am assumed male.)

On a recent trip to a big baby box store, for cloth diapers (we didn't know that our one size fits all wouldn't fit an infant) we had a very interesting encounter with the lady in the checkout lane...  Of course it started off as many conversations do, with a "Hello Ladies" that I let slide (no need for a lengthy dialogue when I just want to get home to my rocking chair and baby snuggles).  Then the usual baby fawning, "Oh, my goodness, how old?"... and then the kicker, she looked directly at Amy and said, "Well I am assuming you carried?".....  SCREEEEEECHHH.... WIZZA WHAT?  Before I could say anything Amy exclaimed, "Yep!" and we finished out our transaction, and headed to the car.

I was shocked by the question, not the assumption.  We know everyone assumed Amy would be the carrier, and that is totally fine by me.  I certainly don't need any medals or trophies (okay, I love trophies, and a trophy would be nice, but I wouldn't ever show it to anyone...).  We especially knew once the baby was born everyone would think that Amy was the biological parent...  But I am not sure what the checkout lady was gaining by the knowledge of who carried. 

Me on the left circa 1983, H on the right.  Resemblance?

Now let me clarify...  her question doesn't make me mad.  I love people's natural curiosity, and think they are curious because it human nature.  What I am more interested in is what factors in our society make it an appropriate question (or make it an inappropriate questions.)  Part of me thinks that this was the clerks way of saying, "I recognize you as a couple, and am comfortable with your family enough to ask questions, rainbow power and see you at Pride."  This being the case, perhaps there were other things that she could have said to act in affirmation, but I can get down with that.  Then there is also the possibility, that she is a checkout clerk and has to find something to talk about... and that is something that people immediately wonder. 

I think the phrasing of the question is also interesting to me...  she didn't ask which one of us carried, she openly admits that she is assuming.  In a perfect world, maybe I would have pressed a little bit more and asked why that was her assumption...  but honestly, I know why, but it would have been interesting to hear it from her point of view.  We all learn about making assumptions... don't judge a book by its cover and all that, but assumptions are an important way to processing knowledge that we cannot know completely.  Without assumptions, we would be over run with details. 

Hayden agrees that is doesn't
matter.  She loves us just the same.

But more importantly, this exchange really affirmed for me how unimportant it is, who carried Hayden.  When Amy said, "Yup" I thought... yup.  She later told me, it wasn't lying... she does carry her.  She carries her around the house, and up and down the steps, and in and out of stores... so technically she does and did carry her.  But  more importantly, I don't feel a special connection to Hayden because she grew in my belly.  (I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge the fact that there was a fear that Amy and I would have different connections to her based on my biology... but it has been quite the opposite.)  Amy is her Mama, through and through.  Amy nurses her to sleep, and I find it just as wonderful to watch her snuggle with Amy, than to snuggle her myself.  I can't imagine Amy or myself loving her any more, or any less based on who was her biological parent.  So I don't care what people assume... because it doesn't matter.  The store clerk may as well have asked us what our favorite Chinese food was, or if we had ever been in a hot air balloon, because both of those questions are as relevant as the one she asked.  So, from this awkward exchange, we found something really powerful.  So thank you check-out clerk, your assumption led to our revelation.