The Baby "Blues?!?!?"

When I think about the blues, I think of a rainy day... when you curl up on your couch, probably not getting out of your pajamas, drinking tea, with very little overhead lighting and Garth Brooks, "To Make You Feel My Love" playing in the background (or the Adele cover of the same song, if that is your druthers.)  I mean, lets face it, I had spent 9 months (or more if you count all the pre-pregnancy medications that were supposed to help us get pregnant) on a hormonal roller coaster crying about everything from AARP commercials to being in a car for too long (and one special time I nearly had an all out meltdown on a walking tour about the Underground Railroad).  So when nurses explained to me in the hospital that I may feel some "Baby Blues" after Hayden was here, I didn't take too much stock in it...

The only thing that made me feel better without fail
was snuggles from this little sneaky sneaker!  She's
also an excellent listener when you are sad and
because crying is her only current mode of communication
she is totally non-judgmental of sobbing.

Now let me throw some flawed thinking on you, I figured I would skip the whole post partum depression/baby blues thing because bois shouldn't get those.  Still convinced that I could "logic" my way out of hormones, I thought I would be privileged enough to skip out on the emotional roller coaster of the first few days post-pregnancy.   I figured I would be delighted to have my body back, be excited to stop sleeping on my side, relish in the absence of heartburn, all while spending my days snuggling my little ball of pure cuteness.  I had wanted this baby for a long time, and it seemed illogical to think that I would spend the first few weeks of her being home anything other than elated...

And I was elated.  I could spend my whole life time trying to put into words how happy I am to have her, and how much I love her, and it still wouldn't do it justice.  But the "blues" doesn't even begin to cover the intensity of emotion that I felt.  A more accurate name would be the "you just had a baby now dance on the edge of pure madness while trying to care for a small human being for the first time blues".  "Baby Blues" sounds so cute... but believe me there was nothing cute about how I felt.  I have never cried so uncontrollably in my life, over the most trivial things.  The first night we brought Hayden home, I went to take a shower.  There had been a sugar scrub that I had used on my belly for the last month or so in the shower, and thinking of using it in that moment made me sob to the extent that I couldn't catch my breath.  I hoped Amy couldn't hear me from where she was rocking our baby on the bed (again flawed thinking, my crying was turning to wailing and someone wearing headphones who also had significant hearing loss probably wouldn't have been able to tune it out.)  But I also remember it being very clear that it would pass...  So I sobbed, and I felt my feelings, and then released them and re-emerged.

The other most serious incident of uncontrolled emotion was when I DID NOT want a rice crispy treat.  Let me repeat... it wasn't that I wanted one and couldn't have one... it was that I could have one and didn't want one.  I spent all of my pregnancy binge eat many sugary treats (not the best choice, I know...) but my favorite was the rice crispy treat... especially from Noodles and Company (you may think they would be known more for their noodles, but not to me!  Their mallow rice cereal bar of delight is unparalleled, and I consider myself somewhat of a connoisseur.)  So when my Father in Law called asking if we wanted Noodles and Co., and I didn't want a rice crispy treat, my foundation was shaken to the core.  I cried. Amy questioned what was wrong... I tried to explain and then couldn't even make sense of my feelings (mostly because they were nonsensical).  She hugged me until it passed...



Gratuitous shot of our super cute baby, just because
it looked better for formatting.

Sure these things could be completely blamed on the crazy amount of hormones that run through your body... but I imagine my feelings were my own, just put under a super intense microscope that made the emotion larger than the logic behind it.  Many of  the things that I got super upset about (including the two instances above) were directly related to no longer being pregnant...  Which was a complete and total shock.  But when you think about it, being pregnant, in many ways becomes an identity.  Much of your life revolves around what your body can and can't do, and eat... and on many levels people (who can identify that you are pregnant) interact with your pregnant identity different than your own identity (ex. it seems there are obligatory things you have to ask a pregnant person... like "how are you feeling", "are you sleeping okay", etc.)  For me, because I was so wrapped up in who I was/wasn't going to be in my pregnant body, I feel I became more attached to a pregnant boi identity than I had previously acknowledged.  So, it would then make sense that I felt a sense of loss... and this sense actually reaffirmed my feelings that this pregnancy had been a life changing experience.

Lucky for me, this period only lasted a short 4 days, which I attribute to the wonderful support from my wife, our family, and encapsulated placenta (yes, we are those people, and if you are a pregnant person thinking about encapsulating DO IT).  I know it was 4 days because I woke up on Christmas Eve feeling content and in control.  Although I was still weepy (but almost exclusively happy tears) I was happy to be past the extremes of the days prior.  In the past weeks I have really enjoyed re-finding myself, and recreating my identity as the Baba that I hope to be.